1.1 Ethical Purpose: Power = Fair Influence

Learning Objective: Understand that power is not something “bad” one has, but a dynamic one exercises. Internalize the ethic of “Power to protect”.

Story

Sunday dinner is usually noisy. Mark arrives late, throws his backpack, and drops a “bah, I’m skipping cleanup today.” Daniel jokes: “Sure, the Prince doesn’t scrub.” Laughter is heard, the kind that pricks. Christina frowns; Mike breathes, puts down his glass, and looks at the three of them.

—I want this house to work without anyone stepping on anyone —he says—. Today we are tired, but respect is not negotiable.

Silence. No sermon; just a clear pause.

—[Context:] the kitchen was left a mess yesterday. [Proposal:] Mark scrubs, Daniel dries, I clear the table. [Next step:] in twenty minutes, done. —Mike looks at Mark—. Does that work for you?

Mark hesitates, looks at Daniel, then at his father. —Okay… but the “Prince” thing is unnecessary.

—[Validation:] Noted —says Mike, without raising his tone—. And thanks for saying it.

Daniel raises his hands: —Sorry. It was a joke.

—[Closing:] today we split it like this; tomorrow we review. The rule: jokes yes, disqualifications no.

They get moving. There is no epic. Just a calm feeling: everyone knows what to do and why. When they finish, Mike returns for a moment:

—One more thing. If something bothers you, tell me like Mark did: clearly and with respect. Here we talk to understand each other, not to beat each other.

Deep Explanation

In the scene we just saw, Mike faces what we might call a domestic “perfect storm”: an open challenge to authority (Mark refusing to cooperate) and lateral aggression (Daniel’s hurtful joke). Most of us, faced with such a situation, tend to fall into two opposing traps. The first is emotional reactivity, where the ego feels attacked and we respond with shouting or disproportionate punishments (“I’m in charge here!”). The second is passive avoidance, where we swallow the toad to “keep the peace”, end up clearing the table ourselves, and accumulate resentment that will come out later.

Mike chooses a third way: Ethical Power. This concept is not about dominating the other by force, but about exercising influence to restore order and dignity. The first thing Mike does is fundamental: set the frame before discussing logistics. By saying “respect is not negotiable”, he is elevating the conversation from the trivial (washing dishes) to the essential (how we treat each other). This is crucial because without a shared frame of values, any negotiation becomes a battle of egos.

Once the playing field is established, Mike uses a high-precision tool: the CPS (Context, Proposal, Next Step) structure. Observe how this changes the dynamic. Instead of personalizing the conflict with adjectives (“you are lazy”, “always the same”), Mike describes objective facts (“the kitchen was left a mess”) and launches a future-oriented solution. This depersonalization reduces the other’s defensiveness. You are not attacking their identity; you are solving a common problem.

Finally, the most delicate moment occurs when Mark “revolts” against Daniel’s joke. Here Mike demonstrates calibrated assertiveness. He could have made the mistake of defending Daniel (“it was a joke, don’t get like that”) or ignoring Mark to maintain his authority. Instead, he validates Mark’s complaint (“Noted, thanks”). In doing so, he sends a powerful message: the rules apply to everyone, and your dignity is important to me. This does not weaken his leadership; it legitimizes it. Ethical power thrives on justice, not fear.

Synthesis of Key Ideas

• Dynamic Power: Understand that every interaction involves an exchange of status. Ignoring it leaves you vulnerable; managing it allows you to protect yourself and others.
• Assertiveness: The ability to express needs and boundaries without violating the rights of others. It is based on facts, not judgments.
• Operational Closing: The technique of clearly defining who does what and when. Eliminates the ambiguity that is often a breeding ground for future conflicts.

Practical Examples

1. The Structured Request in Professional Environment

• Situation: You have to ask a colleague to redo a part of a poorly done report before a meeting.
• Action: Use CPS. Avoid personal judgments (“this is wrong”). Focus on the project need.
• Phrase: “[Context:] To present this data at the 12:00 meeting we need the updated table. [Proposal:] Please review the Q3 figures. [Next step:] Send it to me before 11:30 to integrate it.”
• Why it works: You depersonalize the error. It’s not that he works badly, it’s that the meeting requires correct data.

2. The Rule Frame in Family Environment (Kids)

• Situation: Your children have left toys scattered in the living room and it is time for dinner.
• Action: Do not shout or pick up yourself angrily. Define the context and give an instruction in simple steps.
• Phrase: “[Context:] The living room floor is full of pieces and we are going to have dinner. [Proposal:] We put everything in the red box now. [Next step:] When it is clean, we set the table.”
• Why it works: You make cleaning a logical prerequisite for the next activity (dinner), not an arbitrary punishment.

3. Defending Boundaries in Social Environment

• Situation: A friend makes a joke about your physical appearance that bothers you, in front of others.
• Action: Validate the reception but mark the boundary without aggression. Close the topic.
• Phrase: “That comment about my weight was unnecessary. [Validation:] I know it was a joke, but I don’t find it funny. [Closing:] Let’s change the subject.”
• Why it works: By saying “I know it was a joke” you give him a dignified exit (you don’t call him “bad”), but with “I don’t find it funny” you firmly maintain your respect.

Signs of Progress

1. Fewer “because…” justifications:
   • Have you managed to ask for something without adding immediate excuses? You notice you no longer need to give three reasons to request something. You simply ask. This indicates you are internalizing your right to have needs and boundaries, which immediately increases your perceived status.
2. Concrete agreements without shouting:
   • Did the conversation end with a clear action (“who does what”)? Conversations end with a “deal” or a plan, instead of diluting into thin air. This allows you to save mental energy and builds trust in your environment.
3. Emotional management of criticism:
   • Have you managed to validate the other’s emotion without giving in on your goal? When someone complains, you don’t feel a spike of adrenaline/fear. You can say “I understand you” and stay the course. This gives you immense stability.

Common Mistakes

• Over-explaining (Excessive justification)
  • It looks like this: “Hey, could you scrub, I’m just so tired because traffic was terrible and also I have a headache…”
  • It looks like this: “I don’t want to go, because of course, if I go then my mother gets angry and…”
  • Alternative: Go straight to the Proposal or the No. “You scrub today, I’m exhausted.” / “I’m not going to go, thanks for inviting me.”
• The Moralizing Sermon
  • It looks like this: “It’s incredible that you are so irresponsible, I always have to be after you…”
  • It looks like this: “You should learn to behave.”
  • Alternative: Neutral frame of rules. “In this house we pick up what we dirty. I propose you start now.”
• Asking without waiting for a response (false democracy)
  • It looks like this: “Could you do it? Come on, do it.” (Without pause).
  • Alternative: “Can you take care of it?” + [Real silence] until they answer Yes or No.

Conclusions

Adopting Ethical Power requires a mindset shift: stop seeing interactions as battles where one wins and another loses, and start seeing them as negotiations of coexistence. At first, it may seem cold or too technical to use structures like CPS with your family. It is normal. “Warmth” is not in chaos, but in clarity.

When you are clear, you respect the time and mind of others. When you validate a boundary, you respect their dignity. That is true leadership: creating an environment where rules are fair and known, allowing everyone to relax and cooperate. You do not seek blind obedience; you seek conscious influence.

Deliberate Practice

• Card: Game 1: Power Traffic Light 2.0.
• Why it helps: This game specifically trains the ability to switch from an emotional reaction (red/amber) to a CPS (Green) response under time pressure. It is the perfect gym for what we have seen today.

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