3.2 Re-framing in 7 Words: Verbal Judo
3.2 Re-framing in 7 Words: Verbal Judo
Learning Objective: Learn to change the meaning of a situation with short and punchy phrases, avoiding long explanations that dilute power.
Story
At a dinner, someone criticizes Mike for leaving early: —How boring you are, you’re leaving already! (Frame: Mike is a “party pooper”).
Mike could explain: “No, it’s just that I wake up very early tomorrow and I have a meeting…”. (Frame: Mike is a victim of his schedule and asks for forgiveness).
Instead, Mike smiles as he puts on his coat and says: —“It’s not boredom, it’s energy management.” (6 words).
And adds a wink. “Have a good time”. He leaves.
People are left with the feeling that Mike is a disciplined professional, not a boring person. He has re-defined reality in one sentence.
Deep Explanation
The human brain prefers short explanations. “Good things, if brief, are twice as good”. In Frame Control, economy of words is vital. If you need 50 words to explain why you are not “bad”, you have lost. You look guilty. If you can re-define the situation in less than 10 words, you project absolute certainty.
The structure of the Lightning Re-frame is usually:
- Denial (“It is not X”) + Affirmation (“It is Y”).
- Or simply pure Affirmation (“I call it Y”).
Mike uses the Positive Re-labeling technique.
- “Boring” (negative) -> “Energy management” (positive/professional).
- “Stingy” -> “Selective saver”.
- “Bossy” -> “Directive”.
He does not change the facts (he leaves early), he changes the moral label of the facts.
Synthesis of Key Ideas
- The Law of Least Effort: Whoever tries hardest to explain themselves has the least status. Short re-framing demonstrates minimum effort and maximum influence.
- Labeling: Words matter. If you accept the “shy” label, you will act as such. If you change it to “observer”, you will act with power.
- Pocket Phrases: Having these short answers prepared saves you under pressure.
Practical Examples
1. Criticism for being “Picky”
- Situation: They tell you that you are too demanding with food or work.
- Action: Re-frame to Standards.
- Phrase: “It’s not fussiness, it’s quality control.”
- Why it works: You elevate your “flaw” to a business virtue.
2. Accusation of Selfishness
- Situation: “You only think about yourself.”
- Action: Re-frame to Self-care.
- Phrase: “I take care of myself so I can take better care.”
- Why it works: You show that your well-being is the basis for helping others. Destroys the martyr frame.
3. Pressure from “Fear”
- Situation: “You don’t do it because you are a coward!” (They try to goad you into doing something stupid).
- Action: Re-frame to Intelligence.
- Phrase: “It’s not fear, it’s risk calculation.”
- Why it works: You validate your inaction as an intelligent decision, not an emotional one.
Signs of Progress
- Speed:
- Does the phrase come out in the moment? At first you thought of them in the shower. Now they come out “live”.
- Zero justifications:
- Have you stopped using “because…”? You say the phrase and close your mouth. The subsequent silence seals the re-frame.
- Smile:
- Do you say it smiling? The best re-frame is the one made with good humor. It shows that the attack didn’t hurt you.
Common Mistakes
- The Philosophical Discourse
- It looks like this: “Well, the concept of boredom is relative, because I believe that…”
- Result: People tune out. You seem pedantic and defensive.
- Alternative: Short. Boom.
- Accepting the Label Halfway
- It looks like this: “Yes, I am a bit boring, but…”
- Result: You have lost.
- Alternative: Total rejection of the negative label. New positive label.
Conclusions
Words are magic. With one phrase, you can turn an insult into a compliment. Don’t let anyone stick labels on your forehead that you don’t like. Rip them off and stick yours on. You are the editor of your own biography.
Deliberate Practice
- Card: Game 3: Lightning Re-frame.
- Why it helps: Play with a list of common insults (“slow”, “aggressive”, “cold”). Write a 7-word re-frame for each. Memorize them. They are your weapons.