3.5 Behavioral Boundary: Up to Here and No Further

Learning Objective: Learn to stop unacceptable behavior by establishing a clear red line and a proportional consequence, without needing to get angry.

Story

In a phone argument, the caller starts insulting Mike: “You are useless, you don’t understand anything…”.

Mike doesn’t insult back. Nor does he hang up without warning. With an icy voice, he interrupts: —[Boundary:] John, I do not admit insults. —It’s just that you drive me crazy… —[Warned Consequence:] If you use a derogatory word again, I hang up the phone. Are we clear?

John grumbles but calms down. They keep talking. Two minutes later, John blurts out: “You are stupid!”.

Mike says nothing. Click. He hangs up. He doesn’t block him forever. He simply executes the announced consequence. After 10 minutes, John writes a WhatsApp: “Sorry. I lost it. Can we talk?”. Mike answers: “If it is with respect, yes. Calling now”.

Mike has taught John how to treat him. It has been behavioral training.

Deep Explanation

A Boundary is not a request (“please don’t do that”). A boundary is a statement of cause-effect: “If you do X, Y happens”. For a boundary to work, you need:

1. Clarity: What exact behavior is prohibited (insults, shouting, smoking in the car).
2. Proportionality: The consequence cannot be nuclear (“I kill you”), it has to be executable (I leave, I hang up, I don’t lend you the car).
3. Implacable Execution: If they cross the line and you don’t execute the consequence, your boundary is a lie. You have lost all credibility.

It is fundamental to do it without anger. Mike doesn’t hang up “angry”. He hangs up “technically”. Like a referee showing a red card. He doesn’t hate the player, he just applies the rules. That gives him immense authority.

Synthesis of Key Ideas

• Boundaries define the Relationship: You teach people how to treat you. What you tolerate, persists.
• The Credible Threat: Only threaten with what you are 100% willing to fulfill. If you say “I divorce” and don’t do it, you have lost your word.
• Withdrawal of Attention: Sometimes, the best consequence is withdrawing your presence. “If you get like this, I go”. Your attention is the prize; removing it is the punishment.

Practical Examples

1. The Hitting Child

• Situation: Your child kicks you while playing.
• Boundary: “No hitting. That hurts.”
• Consequence: “If you hit again, the game is over and we go home.”
• Execution: Hits -> You get up, take the things and leave. No shouting. Just facts.

2. The Client calling on Sunday

• Situation: Calls outside hours.
• Boundary: Not picking it up. (Passive boundary).
• Consequence: If they insist, message on Monday: “As I mentioned, I disconnect on weekends. For real emergencies, email.”
• Execution: Never answer a Sunday. If you answer once, you have broken the boundary.

3. The Inquisitive Jealous Partner

• Situation: “Where have you been? With whom? Let me see the mobile.”
• Boundary: Privacy.
• Phrase: “I love you, but I will not accept interrogations nor show you my mobile. Trust is basic for me.”
• Consequence: “If you keep demanding the mobile, we won’t be able to keep talking about this now. I’m going for a walk.”

Signs of Progress

1. Fear overcome:
   • Do you dare to execute? Hanging up the phone or leaving a room gives vertigo the first time. Then it gives power.
2. Automatic respect:
   • Do people regulate themselves? They know that with you “games are not played”. John no longer insults Mike, even if he insults others. You are an insult-free zone.
3. Peace of mind:
   • Do you stop trying to “change” people? You don’t try to make John a good person. You only control how he interacts with you. It is much easier.

Common Mistakes

• Setting blurred boundaries
  • It looks like this: “Treat me well.” (What is well?).
  • Alternative: “Don’t raise your voice at me.” (Measurable).
• Not executing (Barking dog)
  • It looks like this: “I’m leaving eh! I’m leaving!” (And you don’t leave).
  • Result: They lose respect for you.
  • Alternative: Warn once. The second time, act in silence.
• Executing with rage
  • It looks like this: Hanging up slamming the door and shouting.
  • Result: You seem unstable.
  • Alternative: Robotic calm. “This is over.”

Conclusions

Boundaries are the immune system of your personality. Without them, infections invade you (abuse, lack of respect, time thieves). Having strong boundaries allows you to be kinder, because you know you are safe. You don’t need preventive aggression when you have an “Eject” button that works.

Deliberate Practice

• Card: Game 11: Touching Is Not Free.
• Why it helps: Trains the physical boundary. It is the most primary. If you can defend your skin, you can defend your time and your dignity.

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