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Miguel Ángel Ballesteros

Maker, using software to bring great ideas to life. Manager, empowering and developing people to achieve meaningful goals. Father, devoted to family. Lifelong learner, with a passion for generative AI.

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3.6 Repair: Fixing What’s Broken to Continue

3.6 Repair: Fixing What’s Broken to Continue

Learning Objective: Learn to demand (and offer) emotional repair after a lack of respect, to avoid accumulating resentment and restore balance in the relationship.

Story

After the argument and the hanging up of the phone the day before, Mike and John sit down to talk. John acts as if nothing happened: “Well, how was the match?”. (“Rug Sweeping” tactic).

Mike doesn’t accept it. If they carry on as if nothing happened, the insult goes unpunished. —John, before the match. [Brake] Yesterday the conversation ended badly. I felt attacked when you insulted me. —Yeah, well, sorry, I was heated. Come on. —I appreciate the apology —says Mike seriously—. [Repair Request:] But I need to know it’s not going to happen again to be comfortable with you. How do you see it? —Yes, yes, I promise I control myself. —Thanks. [Closing/Reconnection:] Then topic settled. The match was great…

Mike has forced the “cure” of the wound before putting on the bandage. Now the relationship is truly clean.

Deep Explanation

Conflict breaks the fabric of the relationship. To continue, it must be sewn back together. Many people skip this step (“acting as if nothing happened”). This creates Emotional Debt. The relationship becomes superficial and fragile because there are corpses in the closet.

High-power Repair has two directions:

  1. Demand Repair: “You disrespected me. I need an apology/change to trust again”. It is not resentment, it is hygiene.
  2. Offer Repair: If you fail (and you will), apologize well.
    • Bad: “Sorry that you got offended” (Blames the other).
    • Good: “Sorry for shouting at you. It wasn’t right. I’ll try not to let it happen again”. (Assumes responsibility).

The goal is not to humiliate the other, it is to reaffirm the norm. “Here we treat each other with respect”. Once reaffirmed, the page is turned completely.

Synthesis of Key Ideas

  • The Rupture-Repair Cycle: Strong relationships are not those that have no conflicts, they are those that repair conflicts well. Repair generates trust (“we can overcome this”).
  • Anti-Rug Sweeping: Don’t let them sweep shit under the rug. Lift the rug, clean, and then continue.
  • The Leader’s Apology: The leader does not fear asking for forgiveness. Their status is so high that admitting a mistake does not damage it; it humanizes and elevates it.

Practical Examples

1. The Colleague who left you stranded

  • Situation: Did not deliver their part and you had to do it. Now they come with good vibes.
  • Action: Demand recognition.
  • Phrase: “Hi Louis. Before seeing the new stuff: yesterday I had to do your part and it was a problem for me. [Repair] I need us to talk about how to avoid that happening again before continuing to collaborate.”

2. You arrive late

  • Situation: You arrive 20 min late because of you.
  • Action: Total apology (no excuses).
  • Phrase: “I am very sorry for the delay. It is a lack of respect for your time. [Repair] I pay the first round and we start now. Thanks for waiting for me.”
  • Why it works: “It is a lack of respect” demonstrates that you understand the gravity. Paying the round is symbolic repair (fine). Rebalances the scales.

3. The Partner’s Oversight

  • Situation: Forgot your anniversary.
  • Action: Express the damage and ask for action.
  • Phrase: “It hurt me that you forgot. It makes me feel unimportant. [Repair] I don’t need an expensive gift, but I need us to dedicate Friday night to celebrating it for real to compensate.”

Signs of Progress

  1. Zero resentment:
    • Do you forgive for real? After the repair, the anger disappears. If you are still angry, it is that the repair was not enough (or you are resentful).
  2. Apologetic bravery:
    • Do you ask for forgiveness quickly? As soon as you see you screwed up, you say it. “Sorry, I was rude”. You cut the hemorrhage instantly.
  3. Difficult conversations:
    • Do you have the awkward chat? Instead of moving away from someone, you approach to clean the conflict.

Common Mistakes

  • The “But” (The Non-Apology)
    • It looks like this: “Sorry for shouting at you, BUT you provoked me.”
    • Result: War.
    • Alternative: Period. “Sorry for shouting at you.” (Then, in another sentence, you talk about what the other did).
  • Charging for the repair eternally
    • It looks like this: They apologized, you accepted, and the next week you throw it in their face.
    • Result: You are disloyal. If you forgive, you forgive.
    • Alternative: Real reset.

Conclusions

Repair is the glue of society. Without it, we move away from each other with every rub. Learn to ask for it with dignity and offer it with generosity. It is what turns a group of egos into a team (or a family).

Deliberate Practice

  • Card: Game 13: The Clean Apology.
  • Challenge: Identify a relationship where there is a “corpse in the closet” (something unsaid). Go and say: “Hey, that thing that happened stuck with me. Can we talk about it for 5 minutes to clean it up?”.