3.7 Taking Care of the Relationship: Warmth After Firmness

Learning Objective: Learn to balance power (“Power”) with warmth (“Warmth”), ensuring that your assertiveness is not perceived as coldness or arrogance, to maintain long-term allies.

Story

Mike has had a tough week: he has set boundaries, said “No” and demanded repairs. He could start to look like a “tough guy” or distant. Today, he finishes a tough negotiation with a colleague where he has defended his position firmly. When finished, Mike changes the chip. He relaxes physically (smiles, lowers shoulders).

—Hey, Louis —he says with a warm tone—. I know we have pushed hard on this and I thank you for the effort to understand us. [Recognition] I value your patience greatly. —Thanks, Mike. It has been intense. —It has been. [Connection] Do you fancy a coffee outside and we talk about football for a while? Let’s disconnect. —Come on, let’s go.

Mike has separated the Professional Role (firm) from the Personal Relationship (warm). He has shown that he can be a shark in business and a friend at coffee. That combination is invincible.

Deep Explanation

Power without warmth generates fear and resentment. Warmth without power generates sympathy but lack of respect. The Ideal Leader (The Enlightened Collaborator) has both.

• In conflict: Firm as a rock. (Power).
• Outside conflict: Warm as the sun. (Warmth).

Many people believe that to be respected they have to be serious always. Mistake. That isolates you. The key technique is Post-Boundary Reconnection. Just after setting a boundary or winning an argument, make a gesture of genuine warmth. “I won’t lend you the car (Boundary). + But I love you very much, brother (Warmth)”. This says: “My rejection is to the request, not to you”.

Synthesis of Key Ideas

• Power + Warmth: The most charismatic mix. Machiavelli said “Is it better to be loved or feared?”. The modern answer is: “Respected for your competence and loved for your humanity”.
• The Emotional Bank Account: Every boundary you set is a “withdrawal” of funds from the relationship. You need to make “deposits” (praise, time, help) to maintain a positive balance.
• Separate Person from Problem: Hard on the problem, soft on the person. (Harvard principle of negotiation).

Practical Examples

1. The Demanding but Human Boss

• Situation: You have to correct an employee who has done it wrong.
• Action: Clear correction + Personal validation.
• Phrase: “This report does not meet the standard, I need you to repeat it. (Firmness). [Warmth] I know you have had a difficult week and I appreciate your commitment. If you need help with the approach, tell me and we’ll see it.”

2. Couple Argument

• Situation: You have argued strongly. It has been resolved, but the environment remains cold.
• Action: Reset hug.
• Phrase: (Approach and hug her/him). “I hate arguing with you. I love you.” (Without reopening the topic).

3. Refusal to a Friend

• Situation: You are not going to their party.
• Action: No + Praise to friendship.
• Phrase: “I’m not going to go, I need to rest. [Warmth] But I love that you count on me, I feel lucky to have friends like that. Have a great time and send me a photo.”

Signs of Progress

1. Double register:
   • Do you know how to change gears? You know how to put on the “war helmet” when necessary and take it off immediately after. You don’t take aggresiveness home.
2. People return:
   • Do they not fear you? They respect you, but they approach you. They know you are safe.
3. Real smile:
   • Do you smile with your eyes? Your warmth is not fake (salesman). It is real because it is born from the security that your boundaries protect you.

Common Mistakes

• The Fake Warm (Manipulator)
  • It looks like this: Smiling while stabbing you. “Oh honey, you are fired”.
  • Result: Psychopathy.
  • Alternative: Be serious in the bad, warm in the good. Coherence.
• Keeping the armor on
  • It looks like this: Being defensive even when no one attacks.
  • Result: Loneliness.
  • Alternative: Selective vulnerability with trusted people.

Conclusions

We have finished the “Boundaries” block. Boundaries are the walls of your castle. But a castle without a drawbridge is a prison. Warmth is the bridge. Use it to invite in whoever deserves it. Ethical power serves to protect what you love, not to push it away.

Deliberate Practice

• Card: Game 14: The Iron Sandwich.
• Challenge: Today, after asking for something or setting a boundary, say something genuinely kind to that person. Observe their reaction. You will see relief on their face.

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