4.3 Anti-Disqualifying Joke: Killing the Clown

Learning Objective: Neutralize the “Schrödinger’s Joke” (the one that is a joke or an insult depending on whether you get angry or not) by forcing the aggressor to define themselves.

Story

At a dinner, a “friend” says about Mike’s new car: —Some jalopy you bought, huh? Did it come with the pedals or did you buy them separately? haha.

The group laughs nervously. Mike could get offended (“It’s a good car!”) or laugh to fit in (“Haha, yes…”). Both options would give the power to the aggressor. Mike chooses the third way.

He stays totally serious. Silence of two seconds that freezes the laughter. —[Literal Question:] What do you mean by pedals? —he asks with clinical curiosity.

The friend stops laughing, uncomfortable. —Man, that it’s slow, haha. It was a joke.

—Ah. [Seriousness:] Well I like it and it takes me places. I don’t see the fun in laughing at it.

—Geez, how sensitive…

—[Boundary:] Right. Well it wasn’t funny. Changing the subject…

Mike has turned the joke into an uncomfortable moment for the joker, raising the social cost of disrespect.

Deep Explanation

The Disqualifying Joke is the passive aggressor’s favorite weapon. It hides behind the shield of “it’s humor”. To deactivate it, you have to deny them the prize (your laughter or your anger) and give them a punishment (social discomfort).

Techniques:

1. Absolute Literalness: Treat the joke as a serious phrase. Force them to explain it. “I don’t get it, can you explain it?”. Explaining a joke destroys the humor.
2. The Awkward Silence: Look at him as if he had a booger hanging. Don’t say anything. Let his laughter die alone in the void.
3. The Direct Label: “That doesn’t sound like a joke, it sounds like an attack”.

The goal is to raise the Social Cost of messing with you. If every time they make a joke at your expense a tomblike silence is created, they will stop doing it because they don’t receive the dopamine of group laughter.

Synthesis of Key Ideas

• Schrödinger’s Douchebag: Someone who decides if they were joking or not based on your reaction. Don’t let them choose. Define it yourself as “lack of respect”.
• Humor Control: The leader decides what we laugh at. Don’t laugh out of obligation. Your laughter is valuable, give it only to who respects you.
• Breaking the Game Frame: They are in “Hehe Haha” frame. You switch to “Serious/Adult” frame. The contrast leaves them frozen.

Practical Examples

1. Joke about physique

• Situation: “You’re getting chubby, eh?”
• Action: Amplified Agreement or Dry Cut.
• Dry Cut: “Comments about my body: No, thanks.” (Simple and direct).
• Amplified Agreement (High Level): “Yes, I am cultivating the curve of happiness. One lives better here.” (You appropriate the frame and downplay it, but requires a lot of confidence).

2. Joke about professional competence

• Situation: “Are you sure you know how to turn on the computer? Haha”.
• Action: Literalness.
• Phrase: “Yes, I know how to turn it on. Do you need help with something or did you just want to make the joke?”
• Why it works: You call their attention to the uselessness of their comment.

3. Sexist/racist joke

• Situation: General offensive joke.
• Action: The “I don’t get it”.
• Phrase: “I don’t understand it. Why is it funny that [X]?”
• Why it works: You force them to verbalize the prejudice. “Well, it’s just that women are…” -> There they portray themselves and look terrible.

Signs of Progress

1. You don’t smile by reflex:
   • Do you control your face? You have stopped using the appeasement smile when you feel attacked.
2. You enjoy the silence:
   • Do you endure the tension? When you kill the joke, there is tension. Instead of running from it, you use it to discipline.
3. Group respect:
   • Do they laugh with you, not at you? People learn that with you they can joke, but not disrespect. The level of humor rises.

Common Mistakes

• Getting angry (“It’s not funny!”)
  • It looks like this: You shout and leave.
  • Result: “What a sourpuss”. They win the “we are fun and you are not” frame.
  • Alternative: Boredom. “What a bad joke.”
• Counterattacking (“Well you are ugly!”)
  • It looks like this: Childish insult.
  • Result: Mud fight.
  • Alternative: Indifferent superiority.

Conclusions

Humor is wonderful, but aggressive humor is poison. Have a fine radar. If it makes you feel small, it is not humor, it is hierarchy. And faced with abusive hierarchy, the answer is calm rebellion. Kill the sad clown.

Deliberate Practice

• Card: Game 4: Joke or Disqualification.
• Why it helps: Practice the “I don’t get it” with trusted friends. You will see how difficult it is to explain a joke without looking stupid.

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