4.5 Touching Without Permission: Territorial Defense

Learning Objective: Learn to read physical touches (arm, shoulder, back) as status signals and reject them if they are not welcome, re-establishing your bodily autonomy.

Story

In a bar, an acquaintance approaches Mike and puts his arm around his neck, squeezing a little. It is a gesture of “fake camaraderie” that actually serves to immobilize him and mark status. —What’s up, ace! —says the guy, dropping all his weight on him.

Mike knows that if he stays there bent over, he becomes the group’s mascot. But he doesn’t want to fight. He executes a defense in three stages. First, [Physical Aikido]: he turns his shoulders 90 degrees towards the guy. By simple mechanics, the invader’s arm slips and falls upon losing its support point.

Instantly, Mike takes a half step back to [Re-establish Distance] and recover his personal bubble.

Already freed and standing in front of him, Mike extends his hand or pats him on the arm, but this time from verticality. —Hi, man. All good. —His voice is neutral, without the nervous laugh the other expected.

The guy has lost his “grip” literal and figurative. Mike is free.

Deep Explanation

Physical contact (haptics) is the most primitive language of power. In primates, the alpha grooms or hits subordinates at will. In humans:

• High Touch (Shoulder/Neck): Paternalistic or Dominant. (“Good boy”).
• Low Touch (Back): Guide or Push. (“Go through there”).
• Grabbing: Control.

If someone touches you and you don’t touch them (asymmetry), they have more status. If they touch you without permission and you freeze, you submit. The rule is: Your body is sovereign territory. No one enters without a visa.

Strategies:

1. Reciprocity: If they touch your shoulder, you touch their shoulder the same. Even the score.
2. Withdrawal: Move the body part touched out of their reach. Subtle but clear.
3. Block: Put your hand in between.

Synthesis of Key Ideas

• Haptics and Status: Whoever initiates the touch usually has more power… unless the touch is rejected. Rejecting a touch is a massive “Power Move”.
• The Personal Bubble: You have a right to a space of 50-100 cm around you. Defending it is not being “weird”, it is having dignity.
• Physical Escalation: If you allow a small unwanted touch, bigger touches will come. Cut it early.

Practical Examples

1. The Boss who massages shoulders

• Situation: Classic and creepy invasion. Comes from behind and squeezes your trapezoids.
• Action: Immediate block.
• Phrase/Gesture: Raise your shoulders towards your ears (blocking their hands) and turn the chair fast. “You tickle me / I’m not into massage, thanks.” (Said seriously).

2. The “Turn around” (Touch on the back)

• Situation: Someone touches your back so you move aside.
• Action: Don’t move by reflex. Turn your head slowly.
• Reaction: Look at him, evaluate, and then move if you want. Don’t be an automaton that jumps when the button is pushed.

3. The Bone-Crushing Handshake

• Situation: Squeezes your hand beastly to prove he is very macho.
• Action: Don’t compete in strength. Get into his zone.
• Technique: Take a step forward, invading his intimate space while he squeezes. That will make him uncomfortable. And tell him: “Strong grip, yes sir.” (Soft sarcasm: “I see what you are doing”).

Signs of Progress

1. Dodge instinct:
   • Do you move aside fluidly? Like a boxer. You see the hand coming and move smoothly so it doesn’t land.
2. You don’t freeze:
   • Do you react? You no longer endure 10 minutes with a sweaty hand on your shoulder out of shame to remove it.
3. You touch too:
   • Do you use touch to connect? You learn to use positive touch (firm handshake, slight touch on forearm) to generate trust, not dominance.

Common Mistakes

• Swatting the hand with disgust
  • It looks like this: A brusque slap. “Get off bug!”
  • Result: You look hysterical/aggressive.
  • Alternative: Fluid body movement (turning, taking a step). Looks accidental but is intentional.
• Smiling while suffering
  • It looks like this: He squashes you, you smile.
  • Alternative: Poker face or slight frown.

Conclusions

Your skin is the last frontier. If you don’t defend your skin, your mind understands that you are helpless. By reclaiming your physical space, you send a powerful signal to your subconscious: “I command here”. And others notice.

Deliberate Practice

• Card: Game 11: Touching Is Not Free.
• Why it helps: Practice “key escapes”. Have a friend grab your arm and practice releasing yourself by turning your wrist or turning your body without using brute force. Social Aikido.

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