4.8 The Waiting Game
4.8 The Waiting Game
Learning Objective: Learn to identify when someone uses time and uncertainty to control you, and how to recover your agency by preventing desire from becoming expectation.
Story
Alex has been glued to the phone for three days. On Monday he had a “brilliant” meeting with a potential client who promised to send the signed contract “as soon as possible”. It is Wednesday afternoon and there is radio silence. Alex can’t focus, checks email compulsively and starts doubting his own offer.
—I don’t understand —says Alex, drumming his fingers—. They seemed enthusiastic. Should I call again?
Mike shakes his head, calm. —If you call now, you confirm your [Low Status]. You are in the middle of a Waiting Game.
—A game? —Alex bristles—. They’ll just be busy.
—Maybe —says Mike—. But the effect is the same. They control the time, you provide the anxiety. [Diagnosis:] You have signed an invisible psychological contract: you are “inside” waiting, and they are still “outside” deciding. That asymmetry is killing you.
—So what do I do? Wait sitting down? —Alex is defensive.
—The opposite. Stop waiting. —Mike leans in—. Right now you suffer because you have turned a desire (“I want that contract”) into an expectation (“I need it to arrive now”). [Action:] Break the expectation. Set a mental deadline: if it hasn’t arrived by 18:00, today you assume it is a NO and start looking for another client.
Alex blinks. The idea of “assuming the NO” terrifies him, but suddenly, he feels he gets his breath back. —If I assume it is NO… I don’t have to watch the mobile anymore.
—Exactly. You recover your [Locus of Control]. And paradoxically, when you stop emitting that “neediness”, your tone when they finally speak will be equal to equal, not supplicant.
Deep Explanation
The Waiting Game is not simply about “making wait”. It is a tactic of tempo control that works by withdrawing rhythm, feedback and closing. Whoever marks the times, marks the hierarchy of the interaction.
The psychological mechanism that makes it so effective (and painful) is purely dopaminergic. Intermittent uncertainty (“will they answer now?”, “and now?”) generates much more mental hook than a resounding “No”. Our brain is designed to solve incomplete patterns, so you enter a loop of ruminating. You think more about them, invest more cognitive energy and, due to the sunk cost fallacy (“I’ve suffered three days, it has to be worth it”), you end up willing to accept worse conditions just to get the relief of closing.
The fundamental error committed by the “victim” of the Waiting Game is confusing desire with expectation.
- Desire: “I am interested in this happening”. It is healthy, moves you to action.
- Expectation: “I count on this happening and my well-being depends on it”. It is toxic, paralyzes you.
When you are waiting, your locus of control shifts outwards. Your mood depends on a notification on a screen. That implicitly communicates a low hierarchy signal: “the important one is not in a hurry; the one who waits is the one with the need”.
The final paradox is cruel: the more expectation you project, the less attractive and power you have. Desperation can be smelled, and the Waiting Game feeds on your waiting. The only way to win is not to play: keep the desire but kill the expectation through strict internal boundaries.
Synthesis of Key Ideas
- Asymmetry of Waiting: The one who waits lives in uncertainty; the one who makes wait maintains the narrative control.
- The Trap of Expectation: The pain does not come from wanting something, but from needing it to happen in a time you do not control.
- Invisible Contract: Avoid investing emotionally (“being inside”) before there are real facts. Stay “outside” until there is a signature.
Practical Examples
1. The Recruiter’s Silence (Professional Environment)
- Situation: You did an interview on Friday, they told you “we’ll tell you something soon” and it is Tuesday.
- Action: Set an internal “Hard Close”.
- Phrase: (Internal dialogue) “If they don’t call by Wednesday at 12:00, I assume they have discarded me and I keep sending CVs. I don’t reserve my hope for them.”
- Why it works: Allows you to keep operating in the market. If they call on Thursday, it will be a pleasant surprise, not a vital rescue.
2. The “Seen” without reply (Social/Dating Environment)
- Situation: You write to someone you like. Reads it. Doesn’t answer in hours.
- Action: Withdraw attention. Don’t write “double check”.
- Phrase: (Behavioral action) Leave the mobile in another room and start doing something you are passionate about or makes you money.
- Why it works: By not insisting, you communicate that your time is valuable and you are not pending. You break the cycle of external validation.
3. The Vague Family Promise
- Situation: A relative promises to “help you with the move” but does not specify time.
- Action: Convert the wait into an alternative plan.
- Phrase: “Since you haven’t confirmed time, I assumed you couldn’t and I called a friend. Don’t worry, see you another day.”
- Why it works: You recover the logistics of your life. You don’t stay blocked waiting for their “favor”.
Signs of Progress
- Less Ruminating: Are you capable of sending an important message and forgetting about it in 5 minutes? That is power.
- Exit Criteria: Do you have an “internal clock” that says “if not X in time Y, I do Z”? Having an automatic plan B immunizes you against waiting.
- Recovered Focus: Does your well-being depend on what you do right now, or what another might do later? If you are focused on your action, you are winning.
Common Mistakes
- Asking for “Reassurance”
- It looks like this: “Did you get my mail?”, “Are you still there?”, “Is everything okay?”.
- Alternative: Silence. If they are interested, they will answer. If not, your insistence only lowers your value.
- Justifying the other
- It looks like this: “Surely his mobile broke”, “He must be very busy”.
- Alternative: Judge the facts. “He hasn’t answered”. Period.
- Over-investing (Sunk Cost)
- It looks like this: “I’ve waited two weeks, I’m not going to give up now”.
- Alternative: “I’ve lost two weeks. I cut the bleeding today.”
Conclusions
The golden rule to defeat the Waiting Game is simple but difficult to execute: your desire must not become expectation. You can desire the job, the date or the deal, but you must not wait for it sitting down. Keep moving. Who has options, does not wait. And who does not wait, cannot be controlled.
Deliberate Practice
- Card: Game 5: No + Alternative (Adapted).
- Why it helps: Although game 5 is about saying “No”, the underlying mechanic is having options. Practice saying “No” to yourself: “I will not look at the mobile in 2 hours”. Train your resistance to immediate dopamine.
References
- The Power Moves: Waiting Games (General concept of time control).
- Stop Caring What Others Think: Recovering internal locus of control.